"I wish I'd been keeping a better record. Luckily, there are a few things on my blog. But, so much good has happened. My birthday was so awesome. Probably the best ever. We almost bought a spectacular house.
"But, tonight is the saddest of my life. John and I are officially separated. I never thought my life would turn out this way. Until August when he said he didn't want to be married to me, I had absolutely no clue this could happen. The kids are hurting. I am hurting. Max came over & gave the kids and I blessings. What a comfort! This is so hard. I love John so much."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry..only changing names and dates)
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Journal entry: March 18, 2008
"Life is tough. Actually, it is getting easier. I have so many blessings & I know the Lord is aware of me & blessing me tremendously.
"I am so grateful for the great love John and I share. He has really been working at treating me well & I feel so much hope for us."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry.)
"I am so grateful for the great love John and I share. He has really been working at treating me well & I feel so much hope for us."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry.)
Journal Entry: February 22, 2008
"Well, I did go to the counselor today. It was good. I think it will help me. In some ways, he didn't say anything new, but it still helps me have some direction and focus.
"He asked me to be extra intimate in my affection - not sexual, but a loving touch or a 1-2 sentence comment.
"He also recognized the pattern of when things are good or hopeful it is "too close" for me, so I say something negative to push him further back. So true. He wants me to be careful to have no regrets-if the marriage ends, it will, but I can't look back & wish I'd been more loving or forgiving.
"He asked me to look up two scriptures - in Mathew about "Come unto me ye heavy laden" and in D&C regarding "a law irrevocably decreed in heaven."
"I really liked that we began with a prayer. I liked that he is a member of my church & can bring in gospel principles to our discussion & that he understands some of the things that have been difficult from this perspective. I like that I came out hopeful & not discouraged. I think it is worth my money."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
"He asked me to be extra intimate in my affection - not sexual, but a loving touch or a 1-2 sentence comment.
"He also recognized the pattern of when things are good or hopeful it is "too close" for me, so I say something negative to push him further back. So true. He wants me to be careful to have no regrets-if the marriage ends, it will, but I can't look back & wish I'd been more loving or forgiving.
"He asked me to look up two scriptures - in Mathew about "Come unto me ye heavy laden" and in D&C regarding "a law irrevocably decreed in heaven."
"I really liked that we began with a prayer. I liked that he is a member of my church & can bring in gospel principles to our discussion & that he understands some of the things that have been difficult from this perspective. I like that I came out hopeful & not discouraged. I think it is worth my money."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Journal Entry: February 21, 2008
"Holy cow! I wonder if I have EVER gone this long without writing. I have absolutely no idea where to begin. The last 6 1/2 months..have been really tough. It has never been so difficult in all my life. Again, I don't know how much is appropriate to share - but it has been more difficult than you can imagine unless you happen to know the whole story. Just know my heart has never been so broken. Unfortunately, it has really taken a toll on me emotionally. I have changed a lot. I am more sensitive & more negative & pessimistic.
"Yet, on the other hand, I have NEVER been closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I KNOW He lives. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He knows me & that each tear is known to Him.... I am so incredibly grateful for Him. It is only through Him that I can be saved.
"I am so grateful for all the angels in my life that have buoyed me up. I have a very loving Bishop, supportive family & friends that are angels!
This whole experience has strengthened my testimony. I KNOW the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the church established by our Savior to help bring us closer to Him & allow us to return to our Heavenly Father again. One blessing of this trial is that I feel so clearly my own divinity. The veil is sometimes so thin.
Last week, I really almost lost all I've been fighting for, so I am actually going to see a professional counselor tomorrow. I am nervous about it. I haven't ever done this before. Also this week I have been trying to remember to "live the life you love" and "love the life I live."
"....It will be a great week. As far as my broken heart, I am healing a little at a time. I remember the Bishop saying at the beginning that there will be moments of joy and hours of sorrow. This has proved true. At least I know where to go to gain strength."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry, only omitting dates that would be identifying.)
"Yet, on the other hand, I have NEVER been closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I KNOW He lives. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He knows me & that each tear is known to Him.... I am so incredibly grateful for Him. It is only through Him that I can be saved.
"I am so grateful for all the angels in my life that have buoyed me up. I have a very loving Bishop, supportive family & friends that are angels!
This whole experience has strengthened my testimony. I KNOW the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the church established by our Savior to help bring us closer to Him & allow us to return to our Heavenly Father again. One blessing of this trial is that I feel so clearly my own divinity. The veil is sometimes so thin.
Last week, I really almost lost all I've been fighting for, so I am actually going to see a professional counselor tomorrow. I am nervous about it. I haven't ever done this before. Also this week I have been trying to remember to "live the life you love" and "love the life I live."
"....It will be a great week. As far as my broken heart, I am healing a little at a time. I remember the Bishop saying at the beginning that there will be moments of joy and hours of sorrow. This has proved true. At least I know where to go to gain strength."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry, only omitting dates that would be identifying.)
Journal Entry: December 6, 2007
"How blessed I am! Last night, for the first time, I realized that if I could go back...and have the option of going through this trial or avoiding it all, I would, finally, choose this trial, as I am so much closer to my Savior and so refined.
"Next, I have been receiving so many promptings for which I am so grateful.
"3rd-John brought me a dozen roses today! :) :) It means so much.
"4th-I realized that the kids' names had to be on the prayer roll in order for this trial to be resolving happily-their needs had to be considered for the right choices to be made. :) How awesome is our God!"
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry-only omitting identifying dates)
"Next, I have been receiving so many promptings for which I am so grateful.
"3rd-John brought me a dozen roses today! :) :) It means so much.
"4th-I realized that the kids' names had to be on the prayer roll in order for this trial to be resolving happily-their needs had to be considered for the right choices to be made. :) How awesome is our God!"
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry-only omitting identifying dates)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Journal Entry: December 5, 2007
"...Really quick...regarding my situation-I've had a few answers this morning through prayer & scripture study that I feel I should write down.
- Review last General Conference notes.
- Allow Agency to work through kindness & unfeigned love = don't be critical!
- I asked Heavenly Father, "Can I make it through this?" And my answer was, "That's why I had to have you where you are 'cause I knew you could and not give up.
- Lord knows what decisions will probably be made & what will most likely happen, but....either way....HE has not given up hope. So...shall I? NO!"
Journal Entry: November 25, 2007
"I have only a very short time to write, but Jennifer and I went to the temple & then to lunch today. It was EXACTLY what I needed. I LOVE the great peace that comes from being in the house of the Lord. I went in with many questions regarding my situation & the Spirit did speak to me so much. Some things I learned-
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
- My kids' names need to be on the prayer roll. THIS SCARED ME - but it was a very clear impression.
- If I build on the Rock, the winds & storms will come, but I will stand still.
- When I weep, Jesus & Heavenly Father weep, too.
- It is going to get harder before it gets easier.
- All will be okay.
- It is not time to take drastic measures, but I will know when it is!
- Heavenly Father is happy I am striving to prepare.
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Journal Entry: November 21, 2007
"If I titled my journal entries like I do my blog posts, this one would read "Refiner's Fire." As is evident by past posts, some big & horrid things have been happening in my life. Today, though, after a very difficult week I felt such peace, joy, & strength. I feel that these trials are refining me. The more I have to lean on my Savior, the more I KNOW He lives & loves me! With God for me, who can be against me? All will be okay-no matter how this situation is resolved.
"Church was AWESOME today. Each hymn we sang really felt like I was praising my Father in Heaven & I sang fervently & with all my might. Then, one of the talks spoke of the blessings of temple attendance & how we can go for extra guidance & direction among other blessings. It was a great reassurance to me since, as I make some big decisions, I had already scheduled going to the temple with Jennifer for Thursday-and I'd decided not to decide anything until attending the temple.
"Then, in Sunday School, the lesson spoke of how to prepare (Based on 3 Nephi 1-7). It was perfect for me as I try to prepare & organize for the future.
"Also, in Relief Society, the Spirit was really strong as we learned about the Plan of Salvation. I am grateful we were blessed with agency. I know Satan is hoping to sway us, but we are capable of choosing! We don't have to follow Satan. I can & WILL remain strong & faithful to the end.
"Finally, these words so impressed me as we sang them in Relief Society...the only time I cried today. It is from the hymn, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer."
"Verse 3: "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, Thou wilt bind the broken heart. Let not sorrow overwhelm us; dry the bitter tears that start. Curb the winds and calm the billows; Bid the angry tempest cease. Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, Grant us everlasting peace."
"These words are words I hope to live by. I know that they are true & I know that I don't have to have sorrow overwhelm me. I also know that He can dry my bitter tears, and curb the winds & calm the billows. What a blessing to know my Savior & to know He knows me. I am sure He knows every tear I shed, just as He knows each sparrow's fall."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry)
"Church was AWESOME today. Each hymn we sang really felt like I was praising my Father in Heaven & I sang fervently & with all my might. Then, one of the talks spoke of the blessings of temple attendance & how we can go for extra guidance & direction among other blessings. It was a great reassurance to me since, as I make some big decisions, I had already scheduled going to the temple with Jennifer for Thursday-and I'd decided not to decide anything until attending the temple.
"Then, in Sunday School, the lesson spoke of how to prepare (Based on 3 Nephi 1-7). It was perfect for me as I try to prepare & organize for the future.
"Also, in Relief Society, the Spirit was really strong as we learned about the Plan of Salvation. I am grateful we were blessed with agency. I know Satan is hoping to sway us, but we are capable of choosing! We don't have to follow Satan. I can & WILL remain strong & faithful to the end.
"Finally, these words so impressed me as we sang them in Relief Society...the only time I cried today. It is from the hymn, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer."
"Verse 3: "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, Thou wilt bind the broken heart. Let not sorrow overwhelm us; dry the bitter tears that start. Curb the winds and calm the billows; Bid the angry tempest cease. Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, Grant us everlasting peace."
"These words are words I hope to live by. I know that they are true & I know that I don't have to have sorrow overwhelm me. I also know that He can dry my bitter tears, and curb the winds & calm the billows. What a blessing to know my Savior & to know He knows me. I am sure He knows every tear I shed, just as He knows each sparrow's fall."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Journal Entry: November 19, 2007
"I just have to write a short amount in here regarding the tender mercies of the Lord. This week has been super rough. Monday, I fasted for guidance and strength. Tuesday, everything came to a head and I thought my life was changed forever, but it seems we have at least a few more weeks.
"Anyhow, this week has been horrid. This morning was the worst. Even while praying I did not feel the comfort & solace I generally do. Then, while driving to get my hair done, Jennifer called. She had felt a very strong prompting to call me. I cried & cried & talked & I felt better somewhat. Most of all, I felt that Heavenly Father does love & know me. I am so grateful that Jennifer called & that she followed that prompting! What a tender mercy! :) "
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
"Anyhow, this week has been horrid. This morning was the worst. Even while praying I did not feel the comfort & solace I generally do. Then, while driving to get my hair done, Jennifer called. She had felt a very strong prompting to call me. I cried & cried & talked & I felt better somewhat. Most of all, I felt that Heavenly Father does love & know me. I am so grateful that Jennifer called & that she followed that prompting! What a tender mercy! :) "
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Journal Entry: November 14, 2007
"Today was the Primary Program. Amazingly, John attended (He has not been to church in 3 1/2 months). I thought that was very courageous of him.
"....Well, I spoke with Bishop Peterson again today. Things don't look good. My situation is likely going to get worse. This is what I've been trying to avoid and here it is - staring me in the face. The great ting is - as I struggle to accept this new reality that I feel strength & peace. The road ahead will not be easy, but I will be okay. Thank goodness for the church, spirit, bishop, friends, & family. Most especially, thank goodness for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows my heartaches - He has felt them. The knows how to succor me, since He has felt the pain I am dealing with already. I need His help and my Heavenly Father's as I seek direction through fasting, prayer, and the temple. I just pray to make the correct decisions for me and for my family."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry...only omitting personal information about my children)
"....Well, I spoke with Bishop Peterson again today. Things don't look good. My situation is likely going to get worse. This is what I've been trying to avoid and here it is - staring me in the face. The great ting is - as I struggle to accept this new reality that I feel strength & peace. The road ahead will not be easy, but I will be okay. Thank goodness for the church, spirit, bishop, friends, & family. Most especially, thank goodness for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows my heartaches - He has felt them. The knows how to succor me, since He has felt the pain I am dealing with already. I need His help and my Heavenly Father's as I seek direction through fasting, prayer, and the temple. I just pray to make the correct decisions for me and for my family."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry...only omitting personal information about my children)
Journal Entry: November 7, 2007
"Wow! What a very long time it has been since I have written in here. I so hope that my heart accurately records what my spirit has felt-both lows and highs. I still feel that I cannot share the huge trial that I am faced with daily & that is looming still before me. Just know this - besides having a child die, I cannot imagine a greater trial.
"Yet, in the midst of this - I feel the tender mercies of the Lord lifting me up. This sure doesn't mean that life is peachy - I, unfortunately, hit such horrible lows where I spend a day crying-bitter and angry at those causing this situation as well as the Lord. At my low times I spend too much time in the "It's not fairs" and the "Why me?". It is so not fair & so not fun, but when I rely on my Savior I know I will be okay - no matter what the future holds.
"I have been blessed with:
(copied word for word from said Journal entry...even trying to be true to the punctuation I used at that time.)
"Yet, in the midst of this - I feel the tender mercies of the Lord lifting me up. This sure doesn't mean that life is peachy - I, unfortunately, hit such horrible lows where I spend a day crying-bitter and angry at those causing this situation as well as the Lord. At my low times I spend too much time in the "It's not fairs" and the "Why me?". It is so not fair & so not fun, but when I rely on my Savior I know I will be okay - no matter what the future holds.
"I have been blessed with:
- strong, supportive friends, esp. Jennifer and Amy
- the right gen. conf. talks speaking to me.
- my calling and other responsibilities.
- greater dependence on my Savior
- greater empathy for those around me.
(copied word for word from said Journal entry...even trying to be true to the punctuation I used at that time.)
Journal Entry: September 27, 2007
"It has been a particularly difficult week - again, I am choosing not to share details, which is somewhat hard since I can't really explain what is going on. Just know that I have been so devastated. I have nightmares, then I wake up crying and find that it is all true. This makes me want to never sleep.
"Today, though, at church, I really felt buoyed up and lifted.
"I learned that:
"One thing I do know is that I felt such a divine naturish connection. I really do have a Father in Heaven. We are all siblings. This life is a test & it is hard, but we will be okay in the end.
"I just hope I am strong enough to keep believing this during the darkest hours of my life."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
"Today, though, at church, I really felt buoyed up and lifted.
"I learned that:
- Heavenly Father KNOWS me. He is aware of all these heartaches.
- I need to forgive those that are causing this pain.
- The Lord is my light then why should I fear?....There is in his sight no darkness at all. Why am I letting myself be consumed with depression - in his sight, there is no darkness at all!
- From Conf. Talk - "Because you are so valuable, some of your trials may be severe."
"One thing I do know is that I felt such a divine naturish connection. I really do have a Father in Heaven. We are all siblings. This life is a test & it is hard, but we will be okay in the end.
"I just hope I am strong enough to keep believing this during the darkest hours of my life."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Journal Entry: September 20, 2007
"Another week-I made it through another week! As far as my huge secret trial, there continue to be ups & downs-more ups, though, I think. One thing I know is that Heavenly Father lives and He knows me. I purchased some clearance church CDs and the music has been so uplifting and perfect for guiding me through this trial. I have found so much guidance through the scriptures and music. I really know that God is closer than we know.
"...Also, Amy and I went to the temple this week! It was awesome!
"...I know everything will be okay. And, because I know this, I am not sharing with this journal all that is going on."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry....omitting personal details about my children that were interspersed in the entry.)
"...Also, Amy and I went to the temple this week! It was awesome!
"...I know everything will be okay. And, because I know this, I am not sharing with this journal all that is going on."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry....omitting personal details about my children that were interspersed in the entry.)
Journal Entry: September 13, 2007
"I haven't really felt like writing-mostly because life has been too hard to talk about and a little that I've been busy.
"...I've had so many ups & downs during this time. A few things I can't deny are that my friends are so supportive, that prayer really helps, that Heavenly Father answers prayers through many means, including the scriptures. I also have learned that life is not fair for me right now, but neither is it fair for anyone else. There are unfair heartaches all around."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
"...I've had so many ups & downs during this time. A few things I can't deny are that my friends are so supportive, that prayer really helps, that Heavenly Father answers prayers through many means, including the scriptures. I also have learned that life is not fair for me right now, but neither is it fair for anyone else. There are unfair heartaches all around."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Journal Entry: August 8, 2007
"Wow! Last Sunday began the most difficult week of my life ever to this point. Because I am concerned as to who might read this journal in the future, I have chosen not to write all that has been/is now going on. I just have to mention that I have been so prepared by Heavenly Father for these challenges. I have also been so lifted and buoyed up by my Savior. Due to the difficulties, I've had a difficult time eating and I've lost 8-10 pounds in a week.
"...I feel so lifted up by the prayers of those that love me. It is tangible. And I love Jennifer so much. What a great blessing to be in this presidency together.
"I honestly believe that I've never been more spiritual in my life. I KNOW God lives, knows me, and loves me. I can make it through this time. :)"
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry.)
"...I feel so lifted up by the prayers of those that love me. It is tangible. And I love Jennifer so much. What a great blessing to be in this presidency together.
"I honestly believe that I've never been more spiritual in my life. I KNOW God lives, knows me, and loves me. I can make it through this time. :)"
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry.)
My Story
I am a divorced and now single LDS woman. I know that I have a story to share. I am not sure why, but I know that I feel led by the Lord (repeatedly-sometimes it takes me a while to listen) to share my story. I hope it will give you strength, hope, and faith as you face whatever challenges may come your way. Due to the incredibly sensitive nature of this blog, names, dates, and personal or identifying details of any sort will be changed. The promptings I have had include me copying word for word from my journal, which is a portion of the documentation on how my life was turned upside down.
Brief History:
3 years ago my husband and I had gone to church where I had just taught Relief Society and it was a wonderful Sabbath day. He said he needed to talk. We did. He told me that he did not believe in the Church (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), that he was not only addicted to, but loved and did not have a desire to ever stop, pornography, and that he did not love me anymore and thought he might want a divorce. A day to remember, I assure you. Needless to say, I did not sleep that night. This was the opening day of my world changing. My life as I knew it would never be the same. This is my story.
Brief History:
3 years ago my husband and I had gone to church where I had just taught Relief Society and it was a wonderful Sabbath day. He said he needed to talk. We did. He told me that he did not believe in the Church (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), that he was not only addicted to, but loved and did not have a desire to ever stop, pornography, and that he did not love me anymore and thought he might want a divorce. A day to remember, I assure you. Needless to say, I did not sleep that night. This was the opening day of my world changing. My life as I knew it would never be the same. This is my story.
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