"Holy cow! I wonder if I have EVER gone this long without writing. I have absolutely no idea where to begin. The last 6 1/2 months..have been really tough. It has never been so difficult in all my life. Again, I don't know how much is appropriate to share - but it has been more difficult than you can imagine unless you happen to know the whole story. Just know my heart has never been so broken. Unfortunately, it has really taken a toll on me emotionally. I have changed a lot. I am more sensitive & more negative & pessimistic.
"Yet, on the other hand, I have NEVER been closer to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I KNOW He lives. I KNOW He loves me. I KNOW He knows me & that each tear is known to Him.... I am so incredibly grateful for Him. It is only through Him that I can be saved.
"I am so grateful for all the angels in my life that have buoyed me up. I have a very loving Bishop, supportive family & friends that are angels!
This whole experience has strengthened my testimony. I KNOW the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the church established by our Savior to help bring us closer to Him & allow us to return to our Heavenly Father again. One blessing of this trial is that I feel so clearly my own divinity. The veil is sometimes so thin.
Last week, I really almost lost all I've been fighting for, so I am actually going to see a professional counselor tomorrow. I am nervous about it. I haven't ever done this before. Also this week I have been trying to remember to "live the life you love" and "love the life I live."
"....It will be a great week. As far as my broken heart, I am healing a little at a time. I remember the Bishop saying at the beginning that there will be moments of joy and hours of sorrow. This has proved true. At least I know where to go to gain strength."
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry, only omitting dates that would be identifying.)
Friday, November 19, 2010
Journal Entry: December 6, 2007
"How blessed I am! Last night, for the first time, I realized that if I could go back...and have the option of going through this trial or avoiding it all, I would, finally, choose this trial, as I am so much closer to my Savior and so refined.
"Next, I have been receiving so many promptings for which I am so grateful.
"3rd-John brought me a dozen roses today! :) :) It means so much.
"4th-I realized that the kids' names had to be on the prayer roll in order for this trial to be resolving happily-their needs had to be considered for the right choices to be made. :) How awesome is our God!"
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry-only omitting identifying dates)
"Next, I have been receiving so many promptings for which I am so grateful.
"3rd-John brought me a dozen roses today! :) :) It means so much.
"4th-I realized that the kids' names had to be on the prayer roll in order for this trial to be resolving happily-their needs had to be considered for the right choices to be made. :) How awesome is our God!"
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry-only omitting identifying dates)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Journal Entry: December 5, 2007
"...Really quick...regarding my situation-I've had a few answers this morning through prayer & scripture study that I feel I should write down.
- Review last General Conference notes.
- Allow Agency to work through kindness & unfeigned love = don't be critical!
- I asked Heavenly Father, "Can I make it through this?" And my answer was, "That's why I had to have you where you are 'cause I knew you could and not give up.
- Lord knows what decisions will probably be made & what will most likely happen, but....either way....HE has not given up hope. So...shall I? NO!"
Journal Entry: November 25, 2007
"I have only a very short time to write, but Jennifer and I went to the temple & then to lunch today. It was EXACTLY what I needed. I LOVE the great peace that comes from being in the house of the Lord. I went in with many questions regarding my situation & the Spirit did speak to me so much. Some things I learned-
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
- My kids' names need to be on the prayer roll. THIS SCARED ME - but it was a very clear impression.
- If I build on the Rock, the winds & storms will come, but I will stand still.
- When I weep, Jesus & Heavenly Father weep, too.
- It is going to get harder before it gets easier.
- All will be okay.
- It is not time to take drastic measures, but I will know when it is!
- Heavenly Father is happy I am striving to prepare.
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Journal Entry: November 21, 2007
"If I titled my journal entries like I do my blog posts, this one would read "Refiner's Fire." As is evident by past posts, some big & horrid things have been happening in my life. Today, though, after a very difficult week I felt such peace, joy, & strength. I feel that these trials are refining me. The more I have to lean on my Savior, the more I KNOW He lives & loves me! With God for me, who can be against me? All will be okay-no matter how this situation is resolved.
"Church was AWESOME today. Each hymn we sang really felt like I was praising my Father in Heaven & I sang fervently & with all my might. Then, one of the talks spoke of the blessings of temple attendance & how we can go for extra guidance & direction among other blessings. It was a great reassurance to me since, as I make some big decisions, I had already scheduled going to the temple with Jennifer for Thursday-and I'd decided not to decide anything until attending the temple.
"Then, in Sunday School, the lesson spoke of how to prepare (Based on 3 Nephi 1-7). It was perfect for me as I try to prepare & organize for the future.
"Also, in Relief Society, the Spirit was really strong as we learned about the Plan of Salvation. I am grateful we were blessed with agency. I know Satan is hoping to sway us, but we are capable of choosing! We don't have to follow Satan. I can & WILL remain strong & faithful to the end.
"Finally, these words so impressed me as we sang them in Relief Society...the only time I cried today. It is from the hymn, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer."
"Verse 3: "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, Thou wilt bind the broken heart. Let not sorrow overwhelm us; dry the bitter tears that start. Curb the winds and calm the billows; Bid the angry tempest cease. Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, Grant us everlasting peace."
"These words are words I hope to live by. I know that they are true & I know that I don't have to have sorrow overwhelm me. I also know that He can dry my bitter tears, and curb the winds & calm the billows. What a blessing to know my Savior & to know He knows me. I am sure He knows every tear I shed, just as He knows each sparrow's fall."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry)
"Church was AWESOME today. Each hymn we sang really felt like I was praising my Father in Heaven & I sang fervently & with all my might. Then, one of the talks spoke of the blessings of temple attendance & how we can go for extra guidance & direction among other blessings. It was a great reassurance to me since, as I make some big decisions, I had already scheduled going to the temple with Jennifer for Thursday-and I'd decided not to decide anything until attending the temple.
"Then, in Sunday School, the lesson spoke of how to prepare (Based on 3 Nephi 1-7). It was perfect for me as I try to prepare & organize for the future.
"Also, in Relief Society, the Spirit was really strong as we learned about the Plan of Salvation. I am grateful we were blessed with agency. I know Satan is hoping to sway us, but we are capable of choosing! We don't have to follow Satan. I can & WILL remain strong & faithful to the end.
"Finally, these words so impressed me as we sang them in Relief Society...the only time I cried today. It is from the hymn, "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer."
"Verse 3: "Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, Thou wilt bind the broken heart. Let not sorrow overwhelm us; dry the bitter tears that start. Curb the winds and calm the billows; Bid the angry tempest cease. Precious Savior, Dear Redeemer, Grant us everlasting peace."
"These words are words I hope to live by. I know that they are true & I know that I don't have to have sorrow overwhelm me. I also know that He can dry my bitter tears, and curb the winds & calm the billows. What a blessing to know my Savior & to know He knows me. I am sure He knows every tear I shed, just as He knows each sparrow's fall."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Journal Entry: November 19, 2007
"I just have to write a short amount in here regarding the tender mercies of the Lord. This week has been super rough. Monday, I fasted for guidance and strength. Tuesday, everything came to a head and I thought my life was changed forever, but it seems we have at least a few more weeks.
"Anyhow, this week has been horrid. This morning was the worst. Even while praying I did not feel the comfort & solace I generally do. Then, while driving to get my hair done, Jennifer called. She had felt a very strong prompting to call me. I cried & cried & talked & I felt better somewhat. Most of all, I felt that Heavenly Father does love & know me. I am so grateful that Jennifer called & that she followed that prompting! What a tender mercy! :) "
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
"Anyhow, this week has been horrid. This morning was the worst. Even while praying I did not feel the comfort & solace I generally do. Then, while driving to get my hair done, Jennifer called. She had felt a very strong prompting to call me. I cried & cried & talked & I felt better somewhat. Most of all, I felt that Heavenly Father does love & know me. I am so grateful that Jennifer called & that she followed that prompting! What a tender mercy! :) "
(Copied word for word from said Journal entry)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Journal Entry: November 14, 2007
"Today was the Primary Program. Amazingly, John attended (He has not been to church in 3 1/2 months). I thought that was very courageous of him.
"....Well, I spoke with Bishop Peterson again today. Things don't look good. My situation is likely going to get worse. This is what I've been trying to avoid and here it is - staring me in the face. The great ting is - as I struggle to accept this new reality that I feel strength & peace. The road ahead will not be easy, but I will be okay. Thank goodness for the church, spirit, bishop, friends, & family. Most especially, thank goodness for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows my heartaches - He has felt them. The knows how to succor me, since He has felt the pain I am dealing with already. I need His help and my Heavenly Father's as I seek direction through fasting, prayer, and the temple. I just pray to make the correct decisions for me and for my family."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry...only omitting personal information about my children)
"....Well, I spoke with Bishop Peterson again today. Things don't look good. My situation is likely going to get worse. This is what I've been trying to avoid and here it is - staring me in the face. The great ting is - as I struggle to accept this new reality that I feel strength & peace. The road ahead will not be easy, but I will be okay. Thank goodness for the church, spirit, bishop, friends, & family. Most especially, thank goodness for my Savior, Jesus Christ. He knows my heartaches - He has felt them. The knows how to succor me, since He has felt the pain I am dealing with already. I need His help and my Heavenly Father's as I seek direction through fasting, prayer, and the temple. I just pray to make the correct decisions for me and for my family."
(copied word for word from said Journal entry...only omitting personal information about my children)
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